Today has been a really hard day. Despite being exhausted by the day’s activities yesterday – heading down to London and back, with an hour and a half’s meeting in the middle – I slept terribly, hardly managing longer than an hour asleep at a time, and waking up this morning feeling totally drained.
I knew that the meeting was likely to take a chunk out of me, and need me with a need to recouperate, but I wasn’t expecting to be bed-bound for three-quarters of the day.
Even now, sitting in the study writing this I know I’m not right – my brain isn’t really turned on and my chest is protesting. I need to do some physio, which may help the chest, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about my brain. I’m just waiting for my neb to work before getting some physio done.
I’m supposed to be going in to work tonight and I desperately don’t want to miss another week, not with the show starting to loom and only 2 weeks till half term. I’m having all sorts of horrible thoughts of missing out on the whole term again and not being able to do anything for the show, not to mention landing Suze in the proverbial by missing sessions at such short notice that she doesn’t have time to geet cover or re-plan.
It’s just not fun – my body is rebelling and my mind wants to go with it and I’m fighting tooth and nail not to let either of them win. And yet, I’m stuck on that see-saw between doing what I want to do and making my chest worse – there’s no telling whether it will or not.
The smart part of my brain is telling me not to go into work tonight and to stay home, stay in bed and get some rest, but the fragile part of my brain is telling me that I need to get up and out of the house to avoid getting chronically cross with myself and my chest for not supporting me in the things I want to do.
I don’t want to be here now – I don’t like being back in this place where everything I do has to involve a sacrifice somewhere else. I want to be able to book myself to do something on two consecutive days and not feel like a slave to the whims of my lungs.
I know I have to accept that that’s exactly what I am now, and that I have to learn to work with them as much as I can for the time being until I get a shiny nw set which will let me do what I want when I want. There’s really no point in me sitting here harping on about how poor old me can’t do what I want to do and isn’t life unfair, because it’s not like I didn’t know that already.
Pull yourself together, get a grip on the realities of your situation and stop letting little things rock your boat. Focus on the good things, do what you can manage to do and forget about the rest of it – there’s no point pining for something you can’t do, you might as well make the best of what you can do.