That’s the sound made by me hitting yet another low after a nice 48 hours of high.
I’ve been um-ing and ah-ing over whether or not to drag down the recent positivity of my posts by indulging in my slight rearward step, but on reflection of the last two days I realised that what this blog started out as was a way for me to keep track of the course of my progress up to and hopefully beyond the point I receive my new lungs. It seems entirely counter-productive to gloss-over the bad bits in order to spare what few regular readers I do “entertain” on here from being exposed to more difficulties.
Yesterday was actually a really good day – spent largely in bed/on the sofa doing very little indeed recovering from Friday’s grand night in, then sharing a lovely meal with K’s ‘rents which saw us pass over her Dad’s 60th birthday pressie (which is only 6 (and a bit…) months late). Was worth the wait, though – we got a photograph he had taken in Central Park blown up and printed on to canvas for him and it looks amazing.
It wasn’t until after they had left that the day slid away from me. Every night I sit at my computer in the study and do my nebs and casually surf around the ‘net for the 15-20 minutes it takes, most often taking in other people’s blogs and catching up on friends’ news.
On Saturday night, I made the mistake (it would appear) of clicking through into Facebook while I was browsing. It was there that I found a new batch of photos a friend had put up of the festivities at another friend’s wedding. The happy couple (God bless them, in the most sincere way possible) are friends I used to work with at MK Theatre and have enjoyed many a night out with over the years, both at work and outside.
Clicking through the newly-created photo album (put up by someone who clearly left the party too early if they were awake and/or sober enough to be able to connect their camera to a computer and upload the pics), I was met by face after face of happy, smiling people with whom I’ve enjoyed countless brilliant nights out over the years I worked at the Theatre and, indeed, since I left.
It struck me suddenly – in that sort of round-house punch/kick in the crotch kind of way these things tend to occur to you – that it’s been a very, very long time since I was out with all of them. In fact, it’s been a very, very long time since any of them would even have thought to bother to ask me to go out with them. Not through any fault or malice on their part, but simply because they know I wouldn’t be able to join them.
Sitting looking at happy face after happy face, smiling friend after smiling friend, it slowly dawned on me just how long it’s been since I’ve done anything remotely “normal” for a 25 year-old who claims to work in the Theatre industry. I’ve not been to the Theatre, I’ve not been to the cinema, I’ve not been out for a drink, I’ve not even been out for a latte or “done lunch” – it’s not just “normal” that I’ve missed, I’ve even managed to lose “pretentious” too.
I suppose it’s a positive reflection on my state of body/state of mind at the moment that I can sit here after the fact and see inject some humour into it, but it really did hit me quite hard as I flicked through the album. Some kind of intense sense-memory came washing over me and I could hear the voices, the laughter, the banter, the music; I could see the suits, the dresses, the dancing, the staggering, the pretty, the happiness and everything else. I wanted so badly to be back there, to be laughing, singing, drinking, dancing – just being.
When I first started this weblog almost exactly 12 months ago, I truly never would have believed that without my transplant I would still be writing it today, so it is with no little understatement that I suggest it’s not a bad thing to be here – sitting comfortably in my desk chair, living with my wonderful girlfriend, having spent an amazing weekend enjoying the company of my friends and both sides of my family – complaining about not “getting out” enough. If there was ever a “meaning” to this blog – a reason, plan or intent behind it – it was to remind myself of the good things in the face of the bad things.
So it is with a deep breath in and a sigh of appreciation that I thank Last Year’s Me once again for providing me with a place to come to remind myself that no matter what’s going on in my life, my body or my head, things are never as bad as they seem, that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and that the most important thing in life is to keep on keeping on – Smile Through It.
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