You know that noise you make when a sigh turns into something slightly more expressive, your lips vibrate and it comes out a little like a horse sneezing when you feed it? I just did that and got spit on my keyboard. That’s pretty much the day I’ve had today.
Some days you wake up and you just know it was a bad idea to even think about having a day today. Much better to just curl in a ball on the bed and forget about life for the next 24 hours until it’s the next day on the calendar and you can expansively cross it off with an enormous flourish. That was my day today.
Some days, no matter how little you do, how hard you try, how many physio sessions and nebulisers you do, how much resting and relaxing you do, your chest still won’t listen and insists on reacting as if you’ve just come running full pelt down the Mall at a sprint after the other 26.1 miles of the streets of London at a similar pace. That’s been my day today.
Luckily, the anger has subsided, replaced this morning by a heavily-weighted black cloud which hung around like flood waters in Gloucestershire and only shimmered to a dissipated mist in mid-afternoon when my big bro descended on the flat for coffee and a catch up.
Of course, it’s all relative, these mood swings, as it was partially my brother’s return to town that had brought on the down-turn in the first place. Before you get the wrong idea, I love my brother very much and I love having him around. It’s more the reminder of how far downhill I’ve come that bothers me.
It used to be that when my bro swung into town it was cause for a family night out – a nice restaurant, everyone else getting drunk, me as designated driver, a chance to catch up on gossip, share stories and take the mickey out of Mum for not making any sense.
But this time all the fun will be had without me, the stories shared around a 3-seater table instead of 4. And it’s not that I begrudge them that, nor that I would want them to come over to mine and have a take-away or do something at Mum and Dad’s, because whatever it is, I know I’m not up to it. That’s what really pulls.
Tonight the anger and frustration has ebbed away into a dull resignation. There seems no other way of putting it than propping your head in your hands and sighing with that little bit extra expression where your lips vibrate and it comes out a little like a horse sneezing when you feed it. If only I could spell it.